0
Browsing Category

Quick Reads

Quick Reads

”Sure. Drop Pin.”

You ever gone on a first date with someone and they ghosted you right after? Not even that text checking if you got home safe. Or asking if you enjoyed the dinner. And absolutely no “we should do this again” or “I hope you had a good time”. You are left wondering what you did wrong. Maybe you chewed too loudly. Or ordered the kind of food he could not pronounce, and went ahead to clear your plate before he did his. Or you sneezed without covering your mouth. Or was it because you excused yourself to answer the phone? But it was work. He should understand, right? These bills don’t pay themselves. Or maybe you were too forthright with him. Now you are confused. You thought guys liked that. You know, a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it. Or was it because you offered to pay the bill? That should score you points not drop them, right? Ughhh. This dating thing. This is the third man to ghost you after a first date in the last six months. What the hell could be wrong with you? You have a job and some money of your […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

Meta Morphe

One of the things we have trouble accepting is the sad fact that our childhood is over. Maybe it’s because of how instantaneous the transition to adulthood is. One morning you are daddy’s little cute girl, without a care in the world; the next, you are just a girl, no longer little, no longer cute. Just a girl with a pile of responsibilities, bills and deadlines. People no longer ask you what you wanna do when you grow up. Now they ask you what you actually do. Sometimes you stammer coming up with the right response that will make them not pry further. Sometimes you exaggerate. Other times you just tell them the truth. It’s not what you used to dream of doing just yesterday when you were daddy’s little cute girl, but it’s something. Everything around you has changed. You now work for a living. You buy your own food and you have your own place. Your taste in music and fashion has improved. People take you a little more seriously. You even have a gynaecologist. And an entirely new set of friends. The ones from your childhood are scattered in different places and it has become increasingly difficult […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

Let It Go

You can tell a lot about someone by what is stuffed between the back of their phone and their phone case. The contents can range from an extra SIM card, a SIM card tray ejector, an SD card, their Identity card, an ATM card, a passport photo of themselves, several business cards, a spare key, a few sticky notes and some cash. A simple phone that would usually weigh around 150 grams ends up being twice as heavy. And that is just on the outside. Inside their phones are dozens of applications that have not been opened in weeks. The gallery is filled with photos, videos, screenshots and memes. Their contact list has hundreds of numbers, some they no longer even remember who they belong to. And it does not end with their phones. Their environment is filled with dozens of stuff that hopefully, will come in handy one day. Sitting cozily on the TV stand is the box their new phone came in, Movie DVDs that they binged three months ago, the installation manual for the GOTv decoder, three remote controls and a bunch of coins. The kitchen is filled with empty packaging containers and bottles, shopping receipts from […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

The Eyes Have It

Have you wondered how someone on the streets still recognised you even when your mask was up to your nose? Sometimes you even had a hat on but they still identified you. It’s your eyes. The mirror to a man’s soul, in Shakespeare’s words. They snitch on you by expressing the reality of your inner being, despite what the mouth says. They can reveal if you have been crying even if you are smiling. Or if you are in pain. Or sad. They can disclose if you are lying. Or if you are just shy. They can tell if you are exhausted. Or angry. Or bored. Or intoxicated. Or hung over. Or just sleepy. They can even divulge if you are lusting over someone. Or completely disinterested. They can break down your entire personality without you uttering a single word. They can tell the state of your health and the state of your wealth. They can even be used to estimate your age! Your eyes send and receive messages all the time. Like when someone says something stupid to you and you just roll your eyes at them. They get the message. They need to shut the fuck up. When […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

We’ll get back to you

Do you remember the first time they told you ‘We’ll get back to you‘ after a job interview? You would get up earlier than you normally do and refresh your emails as if corporate organizations somehow send emails in the middle of the night. You amplified your caller ring volume and added that vibration setting in case they called you while you were aboard those noisy matatus to your place. You even quit all form of drugs just in case this organization does that drug test thing before they hire someone. Then a week passed and they had not gotten back to you. Well, maybe they do take their time. You know, good things take time. Another week passed by. No calls. No emails. A month. Three months. Nothing. And then it hit you. Their word meant nothing. They were never going to get back to you. You had spent Ksh. 1,050 applying for a certificate of good conduct for nothing. You had cleared your Tala loan and paid Ksh. 2,200 getting that Credit Reference Bureau clearance certificate for nothing. You had shaved the baby locks you had been nurturing for the longest time, for nothing. You now owned a […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

I’ll Take The Stairs

Life is all fun and games until you get stuck in an elevator, by yourself. At first, you console yourself that it is just a technical hitch. Maybe the power went out. Ten seconds pass by. Nothing happens. Fifteen seconds. Don’t they have back -up generators here? Thirty seconds. Suddenly, the elevator lunges down and stops abruptly, jolting you to the reality that you are trapped in a fifteen square feet metallic cell. Your first reflex action is to press the open button. There is no reaction. You ring the bell. It is as dead as a dodo. You frantically run your index finger on all the other buttons hoping one of them will activate the rest. They are all unresponsive. You grab your phone and dial the emergency number right above the buttons. It is out of service. The elevator briskly lurches downwards again, this time at a jaw clenching speed before stopping instantaneously, followed by a blanket of darkness. The lights have gone out. That’s it, you think to yourself. I am screwed. You have seen this in the movies. The only way to save yourself would be climbing out and scaling down the greasy wires with your […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

V.A.R Merchants

Nearly every woman has this girl – only committee that vets every guy before he is allowed to hit it off with any of them. It is composed of three or four of her close friends with an occasional elder sister, cousin or young aunt. They call each other words like ‘Sis’ or ‘Mami’. They are spoilers. Cockblockers. Brutally thorough and ruthless, they subject every potential boyfriend to an imaginary interview with a long list of checkboxes. Baby daddy? Mama’s boy? Lives with his parents? Manwhore? Married? Divorced? If divorced, reason for divorce? Has a job? Owns a car? Who are his friends? Is he the alpha among his friends? Physical abuser? Does he have a fashion sense? What tribe is he? Smokes? Drinks? Overly active on social media? Bla bla bla. Men hate them. You cannot blame them though. Imagine meeting a beautiful, intelligent and fine girl, just the way you like them. You shoot your shot, and like the smart handsome chap that you are, you score. Only for V.A.R to overturn it (Ladies, ask any adult male next to you what V.A.R is). You do not even get a chance, simply because you are light-skinned and Shiko […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

When He Really Likes You

When a man really likes you, he will be your therapist. He will want to know every little thing about you. Are you a morning or an evening person? Why did it not work out with your ex? When, and to whom, did you lose your virginity? Why don’t you talk to your best friend anymore? What is your body count? What is your favourite style? He will listen to all the blabber without getting bored. He will remember most of it and will occasionally bring it up in subsequent conversations. He will keep tabs on what is going on with you at work, school, church or wherever you spend most of your time at. He will stalk you on every social channel and will turn on push notifications to be the first to know when you post. He will make sure he leaves a flattery comment. ”Daaamn 😍😍🥰🥰”. Everyone has to know that he likes you. When he really likes you, he will let you steal and keep his favourite hoodie. His new college jacket too. He will say they look better on you. He will know your shoe size, bra size, waist size, hips size and sanitary pad […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

When she really likes you

When she really likes you, she will tell you everything that is going on in her life. How her day went. What she ate for lunch and why she cannot have the same for dinner. What she wore to work and how it made her ass look. How some lame dude tried to hit on her the other day. She will tell you about her cat. Her period. Her allergies. Her bestie. Her other friends and what they think of you. How many children she wants to have if she wants to at all. She will blab on and on about her favourite music. The best movie she has ever watched. All the places she wants to visit as soon as she can afford it. She will dig a little into her past. How plump she was in high school. How she cheated in exams back at campus. How lame her exes were. Every little thing. You don’t even need to ask. The conversation just flows. She talks and you listen. She talks until she is out of breath. Occasionally, you throw in a ”Waah” or a ”No way”. A ”Whaaaat?” and a ”Daaamn!”. And she responds with ”Imagine!”. Her […]

Continue Reading

Quick Reads

Matumbo

Did you know that matumbo have no nutritional value? Yeah, me neither. Zero. As in, nothing. Eating matumbo does to your body what nominated senators and/or MPs do in Parliament. Nothing. It all adds up now, doesn’t it? Why the British call it tripe, which is also a synonym for rubbish. Why this delicacy is so inexpensive that a cut worth Ksh 200 fills up your biggest sauce pan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. Why your husband is that skinny, despite eating five meals a day. Tripe happens to be his favourite meal. He enjoys chewing the rough linings. He says it strengthens his teeth. He has beautiful teeth. A bright smile. A handsome face. American height. But a skinny body. And now you kinda know why. His mother will stop blaming you for his malnutrition. ‘Smells nice’ he says, opening up the large saucepan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. His eyebrows rise at the sight of all the colour. Carrots, green peas, french beans, beetroot, potatoes, celery and a small strand of coriander hanging aimlessly at the top. ‘What is this?’ ‘They’re called mixed vegetables’ ‘I can see why,’ ‘No more matumbo. From […]

Continue Reading