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Lifestyle

Flat Manager

Being the caretaker of a set of uptown apartments was not what you pictured yourself to be while in your mid-thirties. But what is life? Options are limited when you score a D+ in your O levels and nobody you know, or who knows you for that matter, is favourably wired in the high places. So the stepbrother to your distant cousin links you up to the landlord of some uptown apartments in Lavington. He is a short bald man who wears chequered untucked shirts and pronounces his name as Mechak. His tongue just cannot bring itself to saying Meshack. So Meshack agrees to pay you some cool 15,000 a month just to wash the apartments’ corridors every morning and to distribute the Garbage Waste bins once a week. And on top of that, he throws in the extra unoccupied bed

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Lifestyle

The Scholarship

23rd August, 2009 | JKIA, Nairobi, Kenya The Departure Bay at the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport can be a tad too crowded, especially on Saturday afternoons. It can also be hot, despite the state – of – the – art air conditioners fanning the Embakasi air up and about. Having lived at the foot of the Aberdare Ranges for nearly all his life, Stevie was not used to these warm temperatures. His white sweatshirt was already drenched at the armpits. The two Kings Collection suitcases he was dragging did not make it any better. He could not wait to get past the security clearance and catch the breeze of the First Class lounge on the Kenya Airways Flight to London. Being the top Student within the borders of the then Nyeri District, he had won himself a fully – funded scholarship at Oxford University to study Philosophy. He had not the slightest clue what Philosophy was or where Oxford was located. All that mattered was that he was finally waving Nyeri goodbye and going abroad, the land of white people and money, as his relatives referred to England. His entire village had escorted him to the airport and sang themselves […]

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Lifestyle

The Date

He had been out of the game for a while. It’s hard for a divorcee to trust again. Especially when the reason you are divorced is that your ex-wife had a thing with your cousin. Shameful, ain’t it? People mumble in hush tones at family gatherings, pointing at your direction. They try not to bring it up, but it’s too hot a topic. Someone just goes, ‘So Joe, have you seen Ben’s new car?’. Ben is your cousin. The cousin that stole your wife and now has your dream car. You shake your head and swallow a bitter lump of saliva. You change the topic to your grandma’s cows. They are doing very well, these Fresians. The oldest one has just given birth and is now producing five gallons of milk every day. You promise yourself to carry some milk back to the city because you no longer have someone to take care of your kitchen supplies. Ben stole her. Ben finally shows up in his new car. A Mercedes 4 Matic. He is received ceremoniously like the millionaire he is. Ben likes this kind of attention. He insists to shake everyone’s hand. He spends a minute longer with others, […]

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Lifestyle

iPhones

I used to own an iPhone. It was black in colour with a stainless metal rim around it. Its back was made of aluminosilicate glass and it was the weight of a Go TV remote Control. If you are familiar with the Apple brand you must have known that that was an iPhone 4S. I was the talk of my entire squad. Man, I was Steve Job’s Brand Ambassador. Anything to do with the Apple brand, I was the guy. You know, jargon such as iTunes, iOs, App Store (Apple’s Google Play Store), iCloud Accounts and Ejectable SIM Card Trays. In fact, I would borrow the ladies one of their earrings to remove my SIM Card for no reason and they would marvel and be glad that their jewelry was compatible with an iPhone. Good times, those were. That was before the Koreans and the Chinese copied the Ejectable Tray. And the Internal battery. And the iconic Home Button. The fellas even copied the name. Yes, Oppo is Chinese for Apple. Go ahead, put on your Chinese accent and try it. I also doubled up as the group camera man. They would pose and wait for me to key in my 4 […]

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Lifestyle

Twedi Fae

So I happened to turn twenty five just the other day. It did not feel like much of a big deal until my mom called. She always remembers my birthday. She was like, ‘I gave birth to you when I was your age.’ Yes, my mother is fifty! And I am half her age. At that very moment, I pictured a fifty –  year old me with a son who is half my age. I’ve always wanted a boy as my first child so that I can name him Macharia. Theo Macharia. Well, Theo already left Arsenal but still I like the sound of the name. It’s also quite short and that way, it won’t pose any problems for him while filling his K.C.P.E credentials. All of a sudden, I felt quite old. I felt tired and my face got tight, probably from all the wrinkles that were busy forming in silence. Memories of younger me started to play in my mind. I remembered all the nice things I had told myself I would have by the time I turned 25. Ambitious young fella, I used to be. A Beach house. A Jet. A beach house with a parking lot […]

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Lifestyle

The ‘Me Too’ Syndrome

If you type the words ‘Me Too’ on your Search Engine right now, the top result may be a movement that was created to protest against sexual assault and harassment. The phrase dates back to 2006 during the MySpace era and gained worldwide acclaim in 2017 through Twitter when accusations of sexual harassment against Hollywood Film Producer Harvey Weinstein sprung up. Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano is credited for popularising the hashtag, encouraging other women assaulted by Weinstein and/or other men to share their stories. Away from this movement, there is a syndrome that has been in existence even before Hollywood came into the picture. This syndrome spreads fast and if you’re not vaccinated against it, you may end up wallowing in the unfortunate mob situation of unhealthy, unnecessary and irrelevant competition. This is a syndrome that is fed majorly on the desire to not get left behind in what’s up; even when what’s up really ain’t what’s up. A disease that drives you into desperation and misery in the quest to make as much money as the businessman next – door who seems to be raking in the millions.  Have you gotten sick of hearing the words, “I am a […]

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Lifestyle

Nobody Cares. Work Harder

Ninety nine problems but a bitch ain’t one If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son I got ninety nine problems but a bitch ain’t one, hit me – Jay Z ” I always sing along to this jam from Jay Z every time it comes on. Plenty of memes have been made out of this 99 problems concept. Until recently, I never really thought much about what Jay Z was thinking deciding that his problems were 99 in number. 99 problems are quite a lot, man. Imagine not having rent money, your girlfriend leaving you, contracting HIV -AIDS, losing your job and your house burning down are just 5 problems. 5 problems that would drive you to depression and an ultimate death. Now imagine adding 94 more problems on top of all this misery. Well, the truth is, 99 is just a number used to show a never – ending phenomenon. We all got our own different 99 problems that we are struggling to solve one way or the other. Everyone you meet, regardless of how successful they are (or may seem to be), has something that is worrying them, or occupying their minds so dominantly, […]

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Lifestyle

The Hand Mystery of the Number Nine

I don’t know about you, but the multiplication table was not the most favourite table for me at P.C.E.A Umoja Primary School. My Maths Teacher, Mr. Karimi, gave me lots of thrashings simply for not being able to figure out 8 * 7 = 45 without the help of using my fingers. Or 12 * 12 = 356. See, I still got it wrong, eighteen years on. 8 * 7 = 56; and 12 * 12 = 144, for the record. Mr. Karimi is now retired and runs an agro – vet in Subukia town. Every time we meet, he greets me with a firm handshake and I can still picture his hand scribbling on the chalkboard. This kinda gives me a bittersweet form of nostalgia. What Mr. Karimi did not teach me is this simple magic trick to multiply the number 9, using your ten fingers. You can get the answer to any multiple of 9 simply by moving your fingers. Spread out your hands with your fingernails facing away from you and look at your fingers. They are ten, I presume. Number them in your mind, starting from the left, in ascending order. Now let’s do some math. […]

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Lifestyle

You Might As Well Die At 38

” You may be 38 Years Old, as I happen to be; and one day , some great opportunity stands before you and calls you to stand up for some great principle, some great issue, some great cause. And you refuse to do it because you are afraid… You refuse to do it because you want to live longer… You are afraid that you will lose your job; or you are afraid that you will be criticized or that you will lose your popularity; or you are afraid that someone will stab you, or shoot at you, or bomb your house, so you refuse to take the stand. Well, you may go on and live until you are 90, but you are just as dead at 38 as you would be at 90. And the cessation of breathing in your life is but the belated announcement of an earlier death of the spirit. ” Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Lifestyle

THE ‘BIG 4 NOTHING’ AGENDA

On Jamhuri Day of 2017, His Excellency President Uhuru Kenyatta launched a transformation agenda popularly known as the ‘Big Four Agenda’. The President would dedicate the energy, time and resources of his administration to four key areas namely: Manufacturing Affordable Housing Food Security Affordable Healthcare Out of the 4 agenda areas, three of them are liabilities in the sense that they take away revenue and generate zero revenue. They are: Housing, Healthcare and Food security. Only Manufacturing is able to generate direct revenue through sale of manufactured and/or processed commodities. However, with the unregulated importation of products from Asian countries, the local manufacturing industry is also on the verge of death. Some may say that Food security, Healthcare and Housing are basic needs and thereby should not be considered as liabilities. The truth is, if Kenyans were empowered accordingly, they would not need the government to build houses for them, pay for their medical bills or buy them food. They would comfortably do this themselves. Therefore, the government should focus on an agenda that empowers their citizens to be independent for a lifetime. My Big 4 Agenda  I believe the government should make it their mission to make every Kenyan independent […]

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