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Effervescence, Ladies and Gentlemen, Lifestyle

Baking Soda

Taxi drivers have the best stories. They just cannot shut up and drive. Especially when traffic is a bitch and they need to pass the time with something other than changing the stereo stations. They happen to know a little bit of everything. You might be astounded to hear stories about you, being told to you. Like now, this one is showing me Mheshimiwa’s house. One of his many houses. He tells me how Mheshimiwa grabbed the piece of land from a children’s home. He boasts of how he has dropped dozens of girls there in the middle of the night. He also whines about how this Mheshimiwa guy hardly tips. From what I gather, this Mheshimiwa guy must be one mean old guy. And bald. And potbellied. ‘What’s your stop again?’ he asks? ‘Right there,’ I say, pointing at Mheshimiwa’s gate. ‘Haiya!’ ‘Hii Nairobi ni kutafuta,’ I say, jumping out of his poorly – maintained Toyota Fielder, ‘Ntakupigia unikujie’ I add. The gateman sees me walking up the gateway and swings the sliding door open for me. He gazes at my rather well – fleshed thighs tapering into the knee-high brown leather boots. He must be wondering what on earth is wrong with me, wearing leather boots on such a hot Wednesday […]

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Lifestyle

Flat Manager

Being the caretaker of a set of uptown apartments was not what you pictured yourself to be while in your mid-thirties. But what is life? Options are limited when you score a D+ in your O levels and nobody you know, or who knows you for that matter, is favourably wired in the high places. So the stepbrother to your distant cousin links you up to the landlord of some uptown apartments in Lavington. He is a short bald man who wears chequered untucked shirts and pronounces his name as Mechak. His tongue just cannot bring itself to saying Meshack. So Meshack agrees to pay you some cool 15,000 a month just to wash the apartments’ corridors every morning and to distribute the Garbage Waste bins once a week. And on top of that, he throws in the extra unoccupied bed

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Lifestyle

The Scholarship

23rd August, 2009 | JKIA, Nairobi, Kenya The Departure Bay at the Jomo Kenyatta International Airport can be a tad too crowded, especially on Saturday afternoons. It can also be hot, despite the state – of – the – art air conditioners fanning the Embakasi air up and about. Having lived at the foot of the Aberdare Ranges for nearly all his life, Stevie was not used to these warm temperatures. His white sweatshirt was already drenched at the armpits. The two Kings Collection suitcases he was dragging did not make it any better. He could not wait to get past the security clearance and catch the breeze of the First Class lounge on the Kenya Airways Flight to London. Being the top Student within the borders of the then Nyeri District, he had won himself a fully – funded scholarship at Oxford University to study Philosophy. He had not the slightest clue what Philosophy was or where Oxford was located. All that mattered was that he was finally waving Nyeri goodbye and going abroad, the land of white people and money, as his relatives referred to England. His entire village had escorted him to the airport and sang themselves […]

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Lifestyle

The Date

He had been out of the game for a while. It’s hard for a divorcee to trust again. Especially when the reason you are divorced is that your ex-wife had a thing with your cousin. Shameful, ain’t it? People mumble in hush tones at family gatherings, pointing at your direction. They try not to bring it up, but it’s too hot a topic. Someone just goes, ‘So Joe, have you seen Ben’s new car?’. Ben is your cousin. The cousin that stole your wife and now has your dream car. You shake your head and swallow a bitter lump of saliva. You change the topic to your grandma’s cows. They are doing very well, these Fresians. The oldest one has just given birth and is now producing five gallons of milk every day. You promise yourself to carry some milk back to the city because you no longer have someone to take care of your kitchen supplies. Ben stole her. Ben finally shows up in his new car. A Mercedes 4 Matic. He is received ceremoniously like the millionaire he is. Ben likes this kind of attention. He insists to shake everyone’s hand. He spends a minute longer with others, […]

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Lifestyle

iPhones

I used to own an iPhone. It was black in colour with a stainless metal rim around it. Its back was made of aluminosilicate glass and it was the weight of a Go TV remote Control. If you are familiar with the Apple brand you must have known that that was an iPhone 4S. I was the talk of my entire squad. Man, I was Steve Job’s Brand Ambassador. Anything to do with the Apple brand, I was the guy. You know, jargon such as iTunes, iOs, App Store (Apple’s Google Play Store), iCloud Accounts and Ejectable SIM Card Trays. In fact, I would borrow the ladies one of their earrings to remove my SIM Card for no reason and they would marvel and be glad that their jewelry was compatible with an iPhone. Good times, those were. That was before the Koreans and the Chinese copied the Ejectable Tray. And the Internal battery. And the iconic Home Button. The fellas even copied the name. Yes, Oppo is Chinese for Apple. Go ahead, put on your Chinese accent and try it. I also doubled up as the group camera man. They would pose and wait for me to key in my 4 […]

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Lifestyle

Twedi Fae

So I happened to turn twenty five just the other day. It did not feel like much of a big deal until my mom called. She always remembers my birthday. She was like, ‘I gave birth to you when I was your age.’ Yes, my mother is fifty! And I am half her age. At that very moment, I pictured a fifty –  year old me with a son who is half my age. I’ve always wanted a boy as my first child so that I can name him Macharia. Theo Macharia. Well, Theo already left Arsenal but still I like the sound of the name. It’s also quite short and that way, it won’t pose any problems for him while filling his K.C.P.E credentials. All of a sudden, I felt quite old. I felt tired and my face got tight, probably from all the wrinkles that were busy forming in silence. Memories of younger me started to play in my mind. I remembered all the nice things I had told myself I would have by the time I turned 25. Ambitious young fella, I used to be. A Beach house. A Jet. A beach house with a parking lot […]

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Lifestyle

What’s In It For You?

One of my favourite quotes is ‘Everything Has a Price’ by Paulo Coelho. Paulo Coelho is an intelligent Brazilian Lyricist, in his early 70s, and his Book, The Alchemist is proof of why we should take his quotes seriously. We will talk about him some other day. Let’s focus on his quote for now. When is the last time someone did something nice for you? You know, like, bought you a gift, took you out for lunch, sent you some money, called  to check up on you, remembered your birthday and the like. The common quality in all these acts is that there is an investment incurred either in terms of time or resources. We are not living in the best of economic times. Time and Resources have become quite scarce in this global economic depression. Therefore, everyone is looking for ways to spend every penny and/or every minute wisely. By wisely, I simply mean spending it in a way that the investment accrues some returns. For instance, this person that came to your mind as you read the above paragraph, how many other people would they have done the same niceties to but did not? I mean, why did they not remember […]

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Lifestyle

Most Viewed YouTube Videos

A View on YouTube is not easy to come by. One gotta really like what they are watching or they will skip ahead and watch billions of other visual alternatives. So, for a YouTube video to have over 2 billion views, the content must have been really good.  YouTube viewers are estimated to be over 1.3 Billion across the world. They watch over 5 Billion videos every day, from an estimated upload rate of 300 Hours per minute. As at today, mid – March 2019, there are just about 30 videos that have broken the 2 Billion Mark. 2,000,000,000! That’s like a quarter of the world! If on average a video lasts 3 and a half minutes, that’s 7 Billion Minutes of viewership. 117 Million Hours. Almost 5 Million Days or if you like, 13,000 Years of viewership. That’s why only just about 30 internet sensations have been able to hit this mark. Below are the top 10 videos in viewership, in ascending order, as at March 17th, 2019.  Despacito – Luis Fonsi ft Daddy Yankee This Spanish Masterpiece was uploaded in January 2017. In slightly over 2 years, it has garnered 6 Billion views. Funny because only 437 Million People across […]

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Lifestyle

The ‘Me Too’ Syndrome

If you type the words ‘Me Too’ on your Search Engine right now, the top result may be a movement that was created to protest against sexual assault and harassment. The phrase dates back to 2006 during the MySpace era and gained worldwide acclaim in 2017 through Twitter when accusations of sexual harassment against Hollywood Film Producer Harvey Weinstein sprung up. Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano is credited for popularising the hashtag, encouraging other women assaulted by Weinstein and/or other men to share their stories. Away from this movement, there is a syndrome that has been in existence even before Hollywood came into the picture. This syndrome spreads fast and if you’re not vaccinated against it, you may end up wallowing in the unfortunate mob situation of unhealthy, unnecessary and irrelevant competition. This is a syndrome that is fed majorly on the desire to not get left behind in what’s up; even when what’s up really ain’t what’s up. A disease that drives you into desperation and misery in the quest to make as much money as the businessman next – door who seems to be raking in the millions.  Have you gotten sick of hearing the words, “I am a […]

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Lifestyle

Nobody Cares. Work Harder

Ninety nine problems but a bitch ain’t one If you having girl problems I feel bad for you son I got ninety nine problems but a bitch ain’t one, hit me – Jay Z ” I always sing along to this jam from Jay Z every time it comes on. Plenty of memes have been made out of this 99 problems concept. Until recently, I never really thought much about what Jay Z was thinking deciding that his problems were 99 in number. 99 problems are quite a lot, man. Imagine not having rent money, your girlfriend leaving you, contracting HIV -AIDS, losing your job and your house burning down are just 5 problems. 5 problems that would drive you to depression and an ultimate death. Now imagine adding 94 more problems on top of all this misery. Well, the truth is, 99 is just a number used to show a never – ending phenomenon. We all got our own different 99 problems that we are struggling to solve one way or the other. Everyone you meet, regardless of how successful they are (or may seem to be), has something that is worrying them, or occupying their minds so dominantly, […]

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