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Cap'n Write

Quick Reads

I’ll Take The Stairs

Life is all fun and games until you get stuck in an elevator, by yourself. At first, you console yourself that it is just a technical hitch. Maybe the power went out. Ten seconds pass by. Nothing happens. Fifteen seconds. Don’t they have back -up generators here? Thirty seconds. Suddenly, the elevator lunges down and stops abruptly, jolting you to the reality that you are trapped in a fifteen square feet metallic cell. Your first reflex action is to press the open button. There is no reaction. You ring the bell. It is as dead as a dodo. You frantically run your index finger on all the other buttons hoping one of them will activate the rest. They are all unresponsive. You grab your phone and dial the emergency number right above the buttons. It is out of service. The elevator briskly lurches downwards again, this time at a jaw clenching speed before stopping instantaneously, followed by a blanket of darkness. The lights have gone out. That’s it, you think to yourself. I am screwed. You have seen this in the movies. The only way to save yourself would be climbing out and scaling down the greasy wires with your […]

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Lifestyle

One Last Time

Death is brutal. One moment you are within six feet of your loved one, the next, they are six feet under. Sometimes there is no forewarning. It just strikes and closes the curtains as if it’s just another play at the theatre. Dreams get shattered. Unions get halved. Futures get disoriented. And the saddest part about it all is that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change the state of affairs. You cry yourself to sleep and pray that it is just a dream and that when you wake up, they will be there. Their bright face smiling down at you. Their familiar voice buzzing through your ears, probably complaining about why you were sleeping for too long. The mixture of their sweat and their cologne filling your nostrils, choking you a little. You wake up and it’s just you. Just you, surrounded by their stuff. Their clothes. Shoes. Handbags. Car keys. Cellphone. Everywhere you turn, everything you touch, reminds you of them. The TV is still stuck on their favourite channel. Remains of their favourite meal are still in the fridge. The bookmark you bought them for their birthday is still peeping from between the pages of […]

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Quick Reads

V.A.R Merchants

Nearly every woman has this girl – only committee that vets every guy before he is allowed to hit it off with any of them. It is composed of three or four of her close friends with an occasional elder sister, cousin or young aunt. They call each other words like ‘Sis’ or ‘Mami’. They are spoilers. Cockblockers. Brutally thorough and ruthless, they subject every potential boyfriend to an imaginary interview with a long list of checkboxes. Baby daddy? Mama’s boy? Lives with his parents? Manwhore? Married? Divorced? If divorced, reason for divorce? Has a job? Owns a car? Who are his friends? Is he the alpha among his friends? Physical abuser? Does he have a fashion sense? What tribe is he? Smokes? Drinks? Overly active on social media? Bla bla bla. Men hate them. You cannot blame them though. Imagine meeting a beautiful, intelligent and fine girl, just the way you like them. You shoot your shot, and like the smart handsome chap that you are, you score. Only for V.A.R to overturn it (Ladies, ask any adult male next to you what V.A.R is). You do not even get a chance, simply because you are light-skinned and Shiko […]

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Lifestyle

Bro Code

Yo bro. Grab a cold beer and let’s remind ourselves of some sacred rules to live by. For starters, who is a bro? A bro is that homie you grew up in the same hood with. That ninja that you went to school with. The guys you got circumcised together with. That neighbour who lives in the same apartment as you. That colleague at work. The guy that helps lift weights at the gym. Your barber. Your mechanic. Simply, a bro is any male that you have shared any meaningful life experiences with. Like chasing after girls. Going out and getting wasted. Smoking a joint. Making money. Playing video games. You don’t even need to have known them for long. You don’t even need to have known them at all. Because a bro of a bro is a bro to you. Bros do not need to know much about each other for them to hang out. Sometimes a bro can be chilling with a bro whose name you don’t even remember, or know in the first place. A bro never gets offended if another bro forgets their name. On this note, a bro is not required to remember another’s bro’s […]

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Featured

Financial Madaraka

Is there a more vivid illustration of When it rains, it pours than when you get broke? Your car insurance expires around the same time your monthly postpaid call and data subscription ends. Now you have to take the bus to work and you discover something called Reverse call. The neighbour whom you share the Netflix logins with drops you a text. It’s time to renew the subscription. Is this Netflix thing really worth it? You ask yourself. But how else will you watch those documentaries you love? And is that not the reason you subscribed to Zuku Home Fibre in the first place? This reminds you. The Zuku Home Fibre bill is due in three days. It’s always due around the same time as the rent. And the water bill. And the gym membership. Your wife is not doing any better. Her salary has been delayed, again. She sends you a grocery and supplies shopping list. And a footnote with a reminder that her chama contribution is due. You have never seen the essence of this chama thing. You two engage in your usual monthly fight about it. You complain that the chama is a waste of time and […]

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Quick Reads

When He Really Likes You

When a man really likes you, he will be your therapist. He will want to know every little thing about you. Are you a morning or an evening person? Why did it not work out with your ex? When, and to whom, did you lose your virginity? Why don’t you talk to your best friend anymore? What is your body count? What is your favourite style? He will listen to all the blabber without getting bored. He will remember most of it and will occasionally bring it up in subsequent conversations. He will keep tabs on what is going on with you at work, school, church or wherever you spend most of your time at. He will stalk you on every social channel and will turn on push notifications to be the first to know when you post. He will make sure he leaves a flattery comment. ”Daaamn 😍😍🥰🥰”. Everyone has to know that he likes you. When he really likes you, he will let you steal and keep his favourite hoodie. His new college jacket too. He will say they look better on you. He will know your shoe size, bra size, waist size, hips size and sanitary pad […]

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Uncategorized

When He Really Likes You – Guest Version

Written By Monica Njeri. [ Instagram: @__njeri.__ ] When a man likes you, he will call you every evening and ask how your day was. He will not complain about having to be the one calling all the time. He will force you to say you love him at the end of the call. He will invite you over to his house on weekends, and lure you with “nitakupikia”. He will wash the house and tidy up before you arrive. He will make you a nice meal and serve you a glass of wine, or some coke or sprite soda. On other days, he will ask you out for bowling at Village Market. His friends will come and he will introduce you and refer to you as ‘mama’ or ‘ mine’ depending on your love. When a man really likes you, he’ll get jealous when a huge bearded man tries to hit on you in the club. He will ask you to keep off, or even say he’s had enough and that you should go home, or he’ll try to pick a fight, depending on how drunk he is. When a man really likes you, he’ll ask you to dress […]

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Quick Reads

When she really likes you

When she really likes you, she will tell you everything that is going on in her life. How her day went. What she ate for lunch and why she cannot have the same for dinner. What she wore to work and how it made her ass look. How some lame dude tried to hit on her the other day. She will tell you about her cat. Her period. Her allergies. Her bestie. Her other friends and what they think of you. How many children she wants to have if she wants to at all. She will blab on and on about her favourite music. The best movie she has ever watched. All the places she wants to visit as soon as she can afford it. She will dig a little into her past. How plump she was in high school. How she cheated in exams back at campus. How lame her exes were. Every little thing. You don’t even need to ask. The conversation just flows. She talks and you listen. She talks until she is out of breath. Occasionally, you throw in a ”Waah” or a ”No way”. A ”Whaaaat?” and a ”Daaamn!”. And she responds with ”Imagine!”. Her […]

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Quick Reads

Matumbo

Did you know that matumbo have no nutritional value? Yeah, me neither. Zero. As in, nothing. Eating matumbo does to your body what nominated senators and/or MPs do in Parliament. Nothing. It all adds up now, doesn’t it? Why the British call it tripe, which is also a synonym for rubbish. Why this delicacy is so inexpensive that a cut worth Ksh 200 fills up your biggest sauce pan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. Why your husband is that skinny, despite eating five meals a day. Tripe happens to be his favourite meal. He enjoys chewing the rough linings. He says it strengthens his teeth. He has beautiful teeth. A bright smile. A handsome face. American height. But a skinny body. And now you kinda know why. His mother will stop blaming you for his malnutrition. ‘Smells nice’ he says, opening up the large saucepan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. His eyebrows rise at the sight of all the colour. Carrots, green peas, french beans, beetroot, potatoes, celery and a small strand of coriander hanging aimlessly at the top. ‘What is this?’ ‘They’re called mixed vegetables’ ‘I can see why,’ ‘No more matumbo. From […]

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Lifestyle

Four Twennie

There is a certain bond that forms between people who do illegal things together. Like smoking cannabis. Cannabis sativa. What’s that, you asked? Marijuana. Herb. Ganja. Pot. Bhang. If you are from Kilimani and its environs, you probably know it as Mary Jane. And you inhale it using a vaporiser. But if you are from Juja, you definitely know it as kishada. Or kitire. Or kivela. And you smoke it as it is. What vaporiser? The natural green plant. This bond is unexplainable. People who have just met become close buddies after a smoke session. Their energies synchronise and they open up to each other. They laugh at each other’s lame jokes and listen to each other’s senseless stories without any comprehension. Their thoughts align and they agree on almost everything. They play some music and the lyrics speak directly to their souls. Later, they binge a funny movie and keep rewinding the hilarious parts, every thirty seconds. When the munchies kick in, the spices in the food caresses their tongues. It’s a heavenly feeling. The sad thing about it is that it’s temporary. After a moment, your brain cells adjust to reality. You need to go to work, or […]

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