Bro Code

Yo bro. Grab a cold beer and let’s remind ourselves of some sacred rules to live by.

For starters, who is a bro? A bro is that homie you grew up in the same hood with. That ninja that you went to school with. The guys you got circumcised together with. That neighbour who lives in the same apartment as you. That colleague at work. The guy that helps lift weights at the gym. Your barber. Your mechanic. Simply, a bro is any male that you have shared any meaningful life experiences with. Like chasing after girls. Going out and getting wasted. Smoking a joint. Making money. Playing video games. You don’t even need to have known them for long. You don’t even need to have known them at all. Because a bro of a bro is a bro to you.

Bros do not need to know much about each other for them to hang out. Sometimes a bro can be chilling with a bro whose name you don’t even remember, or know in the first place. A bro never gets offended if another bro forgets their name. On this note, a bro is not required to remember another’s bro’s birthday.

Communication between bros is subtle and essentially straight to the point. No hello, how are you? No sharing of feelings. No asking a bro how his night was or wishing him a goodnight in the first place. No using a tonne of emojis. Clear – cut and forthright communication. A bro shall not get offended if another bro fails to return a phone call or text. It’s his phone, damn it. If he is not answering, it definitely is not a good time. And it is none of your business what he was doing. If a bro has an issue with another bro, he will address it man to man. A bro shall never give another bro the silent treatment. The bros will discuss the issue or fight it out until a solution is found. If they fail to agree, they shall seek the intervention of other bros. Then they shall enjoy a cold beer afterwards. If a bro tells you to keep a secret, thou shall take that secret to your grave. Whatever a bro tells you in confidence is for your ears only. You have no business telling anybody else. Not even your other bros. Or your partner for that matter. Because all conversations between bros are subject to Bro to Bro confidentiality.

A bro’s relationship with his partner is none of your business unless you have concrete evidence that the bro’s partner is cheating on him. In which case, you alert your bro, regardless of whatever dramatic quagmire is bound to arise. However, if you catch your bro cheating on his partner, you zip it. You birdbox it. It is none of your business. If a bro’s partner asks you of the whereabouts of your bro, you check with him first before responding.

A bro supports his bro’s hustle unconditionally. He will not buy elsewhere, whatever his bro can get him, in good quality and at a fair price. He will pay promptly and will not ask for a discount. And he will promote his bro’s business to all his other bros. A bro will introduce his fellow bros to money-making opportunities. He will show them the ropes. He will sharpen their street smartness without asking for anything in return. Because a group of successful bros means a group of successful uncles for a bro’s kids.

A bro’s partner, sister and ex are off-limits. Do not, under any circumstances, hook up with a bro’s partner. Even if she looks like Cleopatra and she comes on to you. Alert your bro and take video evidence if you have to. If you are genuinely interested in a bro’s ex, you and the bro can discuss it over a cold beer. If the bro has no feelings left for his ex, and it has been a considerable amount of time since they broke up, he could allow you to shoot your shot. If your shot succeeds, and you two become an item, never ask her stuff that may incline her to speak negatively of your bro. And never compare your new relationship to your bro’s previous one.

If you are genuinely interested in a bro’s sister, you and the bro can discuss it over a cold beer. If you prove to your bro that your intentions are to love and cherish her until death do you part, he could allow you to shoot your shot. If your shot succeeds, you and the bro will become in-laws. You will become family. And under no circumstances, should you break her heart. Because that would incline your bro to choose between his sister and his bro.

Whenever a bro needs a wingman, you will drop whatever you are doing and report for duty. It does not matter whether the other girl you will hook up with is your type or not. You will entertain her and ensure you facilitate your bro’s mission. You will avail whatever resources your bro may need to impress the girl. Your car. Your crib. Your money. You will prepare the way for him. A bro will always say good things about his bro in the presence of girls. He will not throw a bro under the bus to impress girls. He will never compete with a bro for the same girl. He will not piggyback his bro. If a bro beats his bro in a video game in the presence of girls, he will skip the celebration. And he will let him win the last game.

A bro will never turn down a beer offered by another bro. Even if it’s not cold or it’s not his preferred brand. A bro will not let a bro drink and drive. He will let him sleep it off or drop him at his place himself. A bro will not let a bro destroy himself with drugs. He will help him fight the addiction and work with him towards rehabilitating himself. A bro will not use the urinal directly next to another bro. If there is no option, the bros will urinate without talking to or looking at each other. A bro will never cry. He will dust himself off and climb back on the horse then go out and fight again. If life weighs down on a bro so much that he has to cry, he must not be seen or heard for that matter. A bro shall never stare at a naked bro. He will look away until a sufficient amount of clothing is on his bro’s body. A bro shall never fully embrace another bro. He may engage in a high five, a fist bump, a nod or a bro hug. A bro will never pout for selfies. He will blankly stare at the camera and smile only if he feels like it. And when a bro dies, his bros will delete his internet history.

Any group of bros is limited to only one female bro. And no male bro is allowed to bed her. If this happens, she will have to be exiled from the group. Because members of a group of bros do not bed each other, ever. A bro will choose to hang out with his bros over any woman who is not the bro’s mother or wife. Most importantly, bros never rape. A bro ceases to be a bro whenever he rapes anyone.

Lastly, a bro will share such important information with his bros. And ask them to subscribe to www.KiiruMacharia.com for more of such posts. Cheers, bro!

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  • Reply Kennedy Mukonyi June 16, 2020 at 6:47 pm

    My guy this is a nice one, cheers mamaeen.

  • Reply Teresiah Warui June 17, 2020 at 3:00 pm

    What a great article!
    Real and hilarious.

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