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May 2020

Quick Reads

When He Really Likes You

When a man really likes you, he will be your therapist. He will want to know every little thing about you. Are you a morning or an evening person? Why did it not work out with your ex? When, and to whom, did you lose your virginity? Why don’t you talk to your best friend anymore? What is your body count? What is your favourite style? He will listen to all the blabber without getting bored. He will remember most of it and will occasionally bring it up in subsequent conversations. He will keep tabs on what is going on with you at work, school, church or wherever you spend most of your time at. He will stalk you on every social channel and will turn on push notifications to be the first to know when you post. He will make sure he leaves a flattery comment. ”Daaamn 😍😍🥰🥰”. Everyone has to know that he likes you. When he really likes you, he will let you steal and keep his favourite hoodie. His new college jacket too. He will say they look better on you. He will know your shoe size, bra size, waist size, hips size and sanitary pad […]

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When He Really Likes You – Guest Version

Written By Monica Njeri. [ Instagram: @__njeri.__ ] When a man likes you, he will call you every evening and ask how your day was. He will not complain about having to be the one calling all the time. He will force you to say you love him at the end of the call. He will invite you over to his house on weekends, and lure you with “nitakupikia”. He will wash the house and tidy up before you arrive. He will make you a nice meal and serve you a glass of wine, or some coke or sprite soda. On other days, he will ask you out for bowling at Village Market. His friends will come and he will introduce you and refer to you as ‘mama’ or ‘ mine’ depending on your love. When a man really likes you, he’ll get jealous when a huge bearded man tries to hit on you in the club. He will ask you to keep off, or even say he’s had enough and that you should go home, or he’ll try to pick a fight, depending on how drunk he is. When a man really likes you, he’ll ask you to dress […]

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Quick Reads

When she really likes you

When she really likes you, she will tell you everything that is going on in her life. How her day went. What she ate for lunch and why she cannot have the same for dinner. What she wore to work and how it made her ass look. How some lame dude tried to hit on her the other day. She will tell you about her cat. Her period. Her allergies. Her bestie. Her other friends and what they think of you. How many children she wants to have if she wants to at all. She will blab on and on about her favourite music. The best movie she has ever watched. All the places she wants to visit as soon as she can afford it. She will dig a little into her past. How plump she was in high school. How she cheated in exams back at campus. How lame her exes were. Every little thing. You don’t even need to ask. The conversation just flows. She talks and you listen. She talks until she is out of breath. Occasionally, you throw in a ”Waah” or a ”No way”. A ”Whaaaat?” and a ”Daaamn!”. And she responds with ”Imagine!”. Her […]

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Quick Reads

Matumbo

Did you know that matumbo have no nutritional value? Yeah, me neither. Zero. As in, nothing. Eating matumbo does to your body what nominated senators and/or MPs do in Parliament. Nothing. It all adds up now, doesn’t it? Why the British call it tripe, which is also a synonym for rubbish. Why this delicacy is so inexpensive that a cut worth Ksh 200 fills up your biggest sauce pan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. Why your husband is that skinny, despite eating five meals a day. Tripe happens to be his favourite meal. He enjoys chewing the rough linings. He says it strengthens his teeth. He has beautiful teeth. A bright smile. A handsome face. American height. But a skinny body. And now you kinda know why. His mother will stop blaming you for his malnutrition. ‘Smells nice’ he says, opening up the large saucepan. The one you use to mash your mukimo. His eyebrows rise at the sight of all the colour. Carrots, green peas, french beans, beetroot, potatoes, celery and a small strand of coriander hanging aimlessly at the top. ‘What is this?’ ‘They’re called mixed vegetables’ ‘I can see why,’ ‘No more matumbo. From […]

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