29,June
2019

iPhones

I used to own an iPhone. It was black in colour with a stainless metal rim around it. Its back was made of aluminosilicate glass and it was the weight of a Go TV remote Control. If you are familiar with the Apple brand you must have known that that was an iPhone 4S. I was the talk of my entire squad. Man, I was Steve Job’s Brand Ambassador. Anything to do with the Apple brand, I was the guy. You know, jargon such as iTunes, iOs, App Store (Apple’s Google Play Store), iCloud Accounts and Ejectable SIM Card Trays. In fact, I would borrow the ladies one of their earrings to remove my SIM Card for no reason and they would marvel and be glad that their jewelry was compatible with an iPhone. Good times, those were. That was before the Koreans and the Chinese copied the Ejectable Tray. And the Internal battery. And the iconic Home Button. The fellas even copied the name. Yes, Oppo is Chinese for Apple. Go ahead, put on your Chinese accent and try it.

I also doubled up as the group camera man. They would pose and wait for me to key in my 4 – digit pass code just to get that Retina Display that comes with your smile on an iPhone Gallery. This was entertaining. I got to effortlessly have mobile numbers of any girl in the name of sending them the photos I had taken of them. With an Internal Storage of 32 Gigabytes, the number and kind of photos I had could have worked very well if I needed to demand for ransom from the models. What I loved most about the phone is that it set me apart. I didn’t share my phone charger with anyone, for obvious reasons. I would grin sheepishly whenever my Android – User friends would borrow a charger from me and go, ‘Will it Fit?’. My ringtone also defined me. I purposely left it on high volume during meetings just in case someone had forgotten I had an iPhone. The iPhone. The only one in the squad.

Trouble began when the iPhone 7 was released. The iOs could no longer update for iPhones 4, 4S and earlier versions. My Apps became obsolete. Now I could not use the latest version of WhatsApp since that would require an updated Operating System which I could not update to. I could not download the Twitter App since it was only supported on the latest iOs, which I could not update to. My Wi – Fi connections became slower since the drivers were unsupported. I could no longer share my music to other devices since my iTunes software was updated but my phone’s Operating System wasn’t. My previously source of glory now became my source of ridicule. I became the guy with the old iPhone. The outdated iPhone. This did not change anything for me. I was loyal to my phone. I stuck to it and defended it religiously. Until a second iPhone was introduced to the squad. The sleek, slim, recently introduced iPhone XS Max. The one with the wireless iPods.

I was demoted. I was now an upgraded Android User. Angie’s iPhone XS Max took my iPhone’s place. Funny thing, its ringtone even sounded more i than mine did. It became The iPhone and mine was just another iPhone. One day, I boarded the long noisy Githurai buses on my way to Kamukunji. These buses have some mysterious way of being ironically comfortable despite all the reggae music booming from the poorly – serviced Kenwood speakers. When i woke up, my pair of earphones was still hanging from my ears but the jack pin was loosely dangling between my legs, unattached to anything. Someone had decided that I had suffered enough and that it was time for me to upgrade. It was time for me to forget my friend of three years and get myself acquainted with a new friend. A new friend whose Operating System was up-gradable to the latest version.

I am now the Android  – User who borrows a mobile charger from my iPhone XS Max friend. Angie is normally kind enough to explain to me the difference between her charger and ordinary Android chargers. The guts this bitch has. As if I don’t already know. But deep down, I miss being the i – Guy. I miss having Angie’s photos on my phone, not the other way round. I miss visiting my Exclusive iPhone Repair guy along Luthuli Avenue. I miss the discussions we used to have on the iPhone Users WhatsApp Group. So I am now waiting for September’s release of iPhone 11. I hear it will cost about 1,500 US Dollars. I don’t know where I will get the 1,500 US Dollars from.

Neither does Angie.

 

1

Monica said:

The Saturday vibe is real 👏👏

The Saturday vibe is real 👏👏

Martin said:

Hahaha. iGuy

Hahaha. iGuy

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Dear manager/s of kiirumacharia.com

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Kind Regards,
Emily.

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